Saturday, January 22, 2011

Walking on Eggshells

You have a nice smile
And a charming easy laugh
And lovely blue eyes

A movie? Why yes!
I'd love to go out with you
I'm falling for you

I don't understand
Why you say mean things like that
I love only you

They were friends of mine
You are hurting my feelings
Bruising my ego

We go out to shop
You buy me pretty trinkets
To show you love me

Your words, like sharp knives
Cutting my heart, my stomach
My faith in your love

I would not do that!
Why do you accuse me so
What is wrong with you

Test the air each day
Which man are you on this day
Eggshells on the floor

What is wrong with me
That makes you be so hateful
Makes you hate me so

I'm tired of fearing you
I strike back with my own words
You have lit my rage

I pour pop on you
Your backhand bruises my face
You're a manly man

You hold me tightly
And say how much you love me
And then you love me

And yet another day
Your hand is around my throat
I kick, bite and scratch

"if this is blood here
You will be one bloody bitch
When I come back out"

I'm gone before that
Police car takes you away
My life falls apart

We talk about this
You don't know why you do this
Promise to get help

Together again
Broken promise big surprise
Eggshells on the floor

 A warrant issued
Because you didn't sign up
Now I guess you will

Meetings and talking
You begin to understand
Power and control

Things have changed so much
A struggle to be honest
Rebuilding our love

The word scars remain
Inside my heart forever
That will never change

I do forgive you
But I can't quite forget them
Though I keep trying

We are together
No more eggshells on the floor
No fear here anymore

You have a nice smile
And a charming easy laugh
And loving blue eyes

Monday, January 17, 2011

A Little Sunday Miracle!

Sunday was a good day.

As usual I worked 5am to 3pm.

But I had plans for the evening!

After work I stopped at my daughter's house to pick up the grandson for a visit.  I've missed him.  Since she's been off work I haven't gotten to see him much.
I was figuring how to spend time with him, get housework caught up and do some book work for the restaurant.

I got home.  And a miracle had happened while I was gone.

Hubby dear had cleaned the kitchen.  Crushed the soda cans.  Made the bed. Gathered and took out the trash.
And?  Did laundry.
He's always been good about running the washer and dryer. But this time, he folded the clothes!

I almost fainted.
But I had a grandson to enjoy.

And we had a good time.  He likes to play First Words Deluxe on my iPod.  He can sit forever and spell.
We play with his toys, we watched Nick Jr., and we made brownies.
He's on an eating strike just now, so after dinner he munched on Chex.
He played ball with the dog and chased the cats.

I need more days like this.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

You Have Given Me Value

My birthday is in August.  I had just tuned 5 when i started kindergarten.  As the oldest child I didn't have any social experience with kids my own age.  To say I was shy?  Understatement.

I don't remember a lot of my elementary years in school.  Probably because I didn't do much.  Just showed up and sat there.
What I do remember?

Missing the bus and arriving to kindergarten late.  With my savings envelope.  Do they do that anymore?  I don't think so.  Anyway.  I shuffled timidly into the room, chewing on my envelope.  I don't know if the teacher said anything to me.  She simply walked up.  Took the envelope.  And swatted my butt.  I never understood why.  I don't know to this day.

Second grade.  All the kids played marbles.  I got hold of a marble from an old Chinese checkers game.  I found the courage to ask to play.  I lost my marble first round.  Of course I started to cry.  Not sobby.  Just tears leaking out.  The older girl, bless her, didn't make fun.  She said it's ok, and gave me a different marble.  Even though she was so kind?  I never tried to play with other kids again.

All grades.  The oral book report.  I hated them.  I'd turn red, sweat, and when I spoke, it was barely a squeaky whisper.  And always the teachers.  "Speak up.  Start over.  Speak up!"  I  still cannot speak to a group larger than 4 or 5 without feeling I'm about to throw up.

I don't think I actually interacted with the kids I went to school with until 9th grade.  I had neighborhood friends, but usually they were a year or two behind me in school.  The kids my age lived farther away.  In the 9th grade, a new family moved in with a daughter my age.
 We were polar opposites.  I was the quiet shy mouse.  She was an extrovert.  Loud.  Confidant (or so I believed then).  And...obnoxious.  She was my best friend through high school.  I thought.  I was much older when I learned she wasn't that good for me.  The lessons we learn too late.

I still am not a very social type.  I have few friends.  A lot of aquaintances.  I'm sure it's me.  Not them.  I just don't let people in.

This past year, between Twitter and blogging and my addiction to TapTapRevenge on my iPod, I have met more people and made more connection with those people than the entire rest of my life.  It has also made a difference in the way I interact with the people I know "in real life".  It may sound like a sad thing. 
It isn't.  This is the first time ever I've felt socially accepted.  And I feel a debt of gratitude to my "virtual friends" for making me see my own worth.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

I'm Not Retiring Yet

I have decided my New Year's goal. I'm going to work more. I've begun scheduling myself 2 extra morning shifts at my restaurant.
I think the reason I feel so tired and achy all the time is because I stopped really working. I'd changed or rather, chained myself to a desk. Doing paperwork.
Paperwork needs done. But it's not physically active. Only mentally. And often, emotionally. It can be traumatic deciding which bills get paid today.
I'm now going to work at 4am 5 times a week instead of 3. I'm on my feet and moving for more hours. I'm hoping this will help me regain some muscle. And maybe even some sanity.
Lose a little weight. Lose some stiff joints. And maybe even some sanity.

So that's my plan. Deep breath. I can still do this.

Pray for me